Book review: Come As You Are

Oops! I forgot this blog existed again! I digress; here’s my thoughts on a book I read recently. When I say ‘read’, I mean listened to the audiobook while driving. Still counts! What started as reading (listening) for professional development and a little bit of personal research (non-existing libido post-partum, anyone?!), this book has started to become a resource I frequently recommend to clients!

Emily Nagoski is a sex educator, researcher and writer based in the US. This book, Come As You Are, is incredibly evidence based and was first released in 2015 and has recently been re-released with updates.

Come As You are explores some really important and interesting concepts relating to female sexuality. Emily breaks down a number of myths and misconceptions around female pleasure, particularly relating to desire and arousal. She sets the scene of female sexuality in the context of modern culture and looks at themes of shame and stigma before commencing the sex-education ride of your life! She speaks about a number of topics including arousal and orgasms, as well as how stress and other contextual factors can affect them.

Emily writes in a way that’s easy to read (listen to) and is highly entertaining. She uses four fictional ‘characters’ to explain core themes within the book who are based on mish-mashes of many of Emily’s friends, students and colleagues and the problems they have encountered relating to sexuality. One of these characters, Laurel, is a post-partum women struggling to find her mojo. Feels!

A workbook accompanies Come As You Are, in which readers (listeners) can explore their sexual accelerators and brakes, which are key factors in the ‘dual control model’ of sexual arousal. Basically, female arousal is not just a switch that can be turned ‘on’ and ‘off’. Arousal is the result of a number of factors that are context dependent and can be categorized into accelerators (feeling relaxed, intimate touch, fantasies etc) and brakes (stress, negative body image, relationship issues etc).

Another aspect of the book I found great was the way in which Emily validates all experiences of human sexuality as being normal. She explains that we all have the same parts, just organized differently. There is not a hint of shame in the entire book; she is incredibly body-positive and sex-positive, which is so refreshing and on point. I would advise readers (listeners) to start the book with an open mind. Some topics may catch you a little off guard, however I 100% believe you’ll find some really helpful gems within the discomfort!

I think everyone should read this book, however the people I think will get the most from it are anyone who has ever felt like they aren’t ‘normal’ when it comes to desire and arousal (whether it be having too much or not enough!).

I have been particularly recommending it to my clients who have had pelvic pain get in the way of their sex-life, as well as post-partum women who are in the 'looking to get their mojo back’ boat!

Overall, I give Come As You Are a 10/10 as a fantastic read (listen) and resource for women of all ages!

Happy reading (and of course, listening!)

Much love,

Mel x